Here's what it's like to spend the holidays behind bars
The holidays season can bring on mixed emotions - joy, hope, introspections, stress, and even depression. For many, it comes with a dizzying array of demands - parties, shopping, baking, cleaning, entertaining and even keeping up with the Jones'. However, for some of us, it is a dreadful time.
Growing up in a Hindu family in India, this time was mostly spectatorial. While we did celebrate the New Year, "Merry Christmas" was a mere phrase. However, when I became a Ph.D. student at Kent State University, Ohio, I got my first experience of a Christmas Party at my roommate's home. It gave me a taste of, not only many delectables but also the graciousness and festive spirit of this time. This tradition continued through most of my adult life as a graduate student in New York and a working professional in Silicon Valley.
During my stay in Silicon Valley, I was fortunate to be surrounded by many friends and family. For years, we were part of a traditional and elaborate Thanksgiving meal at one of our friend’s home. Over time, this also marked the seasonal shopping and hosting of Christmas and New Year parties at my house.
Now, this time also brings on the painful memories of the holidays I spent in the prison camp in Coleman, Florida. One can never be prepared to be incarcerated. The adjustments to the nuances of the jail culture were somewhat daunting. Explicit and subtle institutional policies and respect for the physical and invisible boundaries were a challenge. Accepting the vulnerability that comes with not being in control of one's life during incarceration was tough. We all may have some bad memories of the holiday season, but it does not get much darker or sadder than spending time in prison. It can be dreary and the loneliest times.
I dealt with my jail experience by setting small goals and trying to attain those. It helped me avoid constantly beating myself for putting my family and me in this situation. I clearly understood that the culpability for my actions that ultimately landed me in prison was entirely mine. Hence the strength to fight back also had to come from me. The onslaught of emotions was unrelenting. I read books, exercised a lot and added over two thousand new words to my English vocabulary. I remember playing challenging word games with few of my jail friends. Making Cuban coffee on special days and learning how to eat canned fish for protein were some of the highlights of my stay.
While I was in prison, I found myself struggling to deal with the fact that my family would not be with me during that Christmas and New Year. While holiday activities such as Easter church service and caroling at the prison camp were helpful, but the regret of my choices continued to pain me. Holidays brought back memories of food and family gatherings. I would miss our yearly family ritual - Trip to New York and attend the Christmas Eve and Christmas mass at Saint Patrick Cathedral and Saint Thomas Church on 5th Avenue.
For women, the meals in prison were usually heavy on bread, beans, and sugar, light on proteins. I would always look forward to Thursdays for a baked chicken leg and then try to go back in line for a second one. Holidays did have an upside - a better meal. Thanksgiving time brought the turkey, desserts, and additional goodies such as popcorn. I still recall the excitement as we enjoyed a small steak for the New Year meal. Excitement over salad days in the cafeteria was palpable and somewhat funny. Before the important holidays, going to the commissary (shopping in prison) to pick up goodies was another way to feel connected with the spirit.
My prison experience helped me to put my past at rest, and focus on my future - filled with apprehension, hope, and a resolve to do better. My Hindu faith sometimes tries to blame "destiny" for the outcomes in one's’ life. My mother tries to console me by saying, "Roomy, it was your destiny that made you make your choices." However, I clearly know it was "me" and "me alone" that made the dreadful decisions that led to an implosion of my life, and not an unknown force "destiny." As an adult, I had to face the dire consequences of my choices.
Each time I wrote an email using CorrLinks or met my family in prison uniform or could not have a good conversation due to too much noise in the visitor room, the outcome of my choices glared at me. My husband and my daughter would always be somewhat uncomfortable in the visitor room in prison. I was thankful that my family came to visit me once a month, but I also understood the challenges that lay ahead.
As a professional, this experience has helped me better comprehend "risk," not only as a financial hazard but also as a personal danger. Actions have consequences. Disagreements and disregard of the law do not absolve us from breaking it. I learned that through many interactions with the FBI agents and government officials. Wall Street is very powerful and can throw enormous temptations at us. Monetary and professional gains can trump sound judgments. Ethics and compliance can clash and might pose a way to justify bad behavior. However, in the end, poor choices usually end badly. I wish I had learned that by watching other people in the news rather than being in the news myself!
Holidays can be stressful for some and exciting for others. For me, it is a time to be truly grateful for all that I have. I live in a free society with a myriad of choices. As I try to move forward, I am still always looking back over my shoulder as a test to evaluate my decisions. I would rather coin and live with the phrase "Greed is Not Good."
Roomy Khan has over 20 years of combined professional experience in technology industry and Wall Street. She was intimately involved in the Galleon insider trading case. She cooperated with the federal government for over 6 years and was personally charged with wire fraud and insider trading. She served 1 year in the federal prison in Coleman, Florida.
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